My life long struggle...
I thought this level of honesty would be too revealing, maybe it is, still I choose to tell you about this. Because I know I am not alone, I know we need to talk more about what we feel ashamed of. This is my thing. This is my life long struggle. At this point I see how important it is, to put this shameful piece of me out there, for myself and all of you who can recognize some of the same patterns.
You name it – I’ve failed it
Personal trainers, Kayla Itsines, Lifesum, Bootcamps, Yoga with Kino, multiple bets with friends, strength training, Zumba (because it should be fun, right?), running, eating vegan, Paleo, Macrobiotic, diet this and that, not being on a project, one cheat day a week, one cheat day a month, you name it – I’ve failed it.
“Can’t you just grab one piece of chocolate?” No, I can’t. For some reason, I am not a “get the taste – and I will be happy” type of person. I am more a “eat everything with sugar that is available within a reasonable radius, eat until it’s gone. Then it will not bother me.”
All the great advice about just eating one, no thanks – doesn’t work for me. To be honest, I believe that sugar is to me, what alcohol is to alcoholics.
Lack of self-discipline and strength?
Maybe you perceive me as weak by telling you this, maybe I have a lack of self-discipline which is quite shameful living in this society being an entrepreneur, responsible mother of three and even a certified coach?
Cause people who are lean, fit and eating healthy are the “best” amongst us? They are the “strong” ones who have everything under control. I will never be that good, thats been the truth inside my head for a while. I have always reached my goals, except this weight thing that keeps haunting me. I am so tired of having these projects every single January 1st, every Monday, every new month. Should I grab that piece of cake or not? Should I eat focaccia with aioli or just let it go? Maybe I should start to drink diet soda again, that could be a substitute for sugar? Or maybe it’s better to reflect on why sugar and binging has so much power over me, what does it give me – more than a sweet taste? When I’m alone, I can eat frozen chocolate cake (and though it's funny, it's not a joke).
In short these are my findings after analyzing my thoughts, emotions and behavior for as long as I can remember: My need for sugar and unhealthy binging comes from dealing with everything on my own, subconscious stress, loneliness and fear of rejection. Instead of sharing my difficulties - I eat.
And this is one of my fears; that I meet you, we become friends – I trust you. I let you get to know me and I get to know a bit about you. I tell you my secrets and my dark sides – I feel that you want to be my best friend. Then you disappear, you leave me, and I’m alone.
The second scenario that frightens me is that if I tell you about my darker sides you want to give me lots of advice and fix me. I am not broken.
Food is faithful. It’s always there. When I feel stressed and lonely, it relieves the pain a bit, my brains reward center gets happy (for a very limited amount of time).
I don’t want to be a burden. I want people to have a good time when they are around me, I like to be the listener and help others. The ironic part is that I’m bad at saying; “I have a challenge – can we spend some time on figuring it out together, would you please help me?” I want to be a hero for others, and it’s almost been impossible to be my hero. Cause I am dealing with stuff on my own, I don’t need anyone. Of course, that is not true. Instead of taking the risk of being rejected I stay independent. I think I am done with this now, with these words I am putting an end to this 31 year old pattern. My issues deserve a place too, I can take time to talk about my life as well – and I know that will be helpful to build mutual relations with people.
Don’t escape - hold on!
I am not sure who I am with breaking this pattern. How is it for me to receive love? How do I care for myself, all of me – like I care about all of you? How do I give to myself all the good things I give to the world? How do I wish the best for myself like I do for others?
I make my living out of giving to others and making the world more loving, caring and connected – that comes partly from my own need to love and be loved, to care and be cared for, to connect with all of you. That’s my purpose. To build human connection is my passion, it’s what I believe in.
Some of us go shopping, others drink, some do drugs, eat sugar and fast food, some get addicted to fitness – and are obsessed with their bodies. Do we get addicted to things that makes us escape our emotions? Does this escape gives us some experience of control, if so - why is control so important to us? Maybe it gives us a feeling of safety, something to hold on to - well I think we should hold on to each other. To step up the level of honesty, to share our burdens and fears. To talk about the messy parts, that’s a good way to make things better. Be together.
You don’t have to tell me I’m pretty, or how lucky I am to have a healthy body, because I am grateful for my smile and for a body that is free of pain and works well.
So why am I writing to you about my life long eating issues?
Because I believe in honesty, I believe that when we share our struggles something great happens. When we connect deep down – our relationships become stronger. When we understand the fact that everyone who is breathing right now, has some issue, something they worry about, a difficulty, that’s where we find an open door for connection. That’s where growth starts, that’s the place for unconditional love, genuine curiosity, that’s the place to give and to receive. That is a start of a more loving, caring and connected world.
P.S; I hope this gave you some courage, maybe a bit of motivation - to embrace your imperfections and share with people around you. It is never to late to break a pattern. You are not your thoughts, you are not who others tell you you are. You can create the person you want to become. Let's do this together. You are never alone.